50% of sales are going to:

HQ, a drop-in center in Grand Rapids for youth ages 14-24 in housing crisis.
hqgr.org

Arbor Circle, a comprehensive provider of mental health counseling, substance use treatment and family development programs. arborcircle.org



About three years ago I first took notice of my lifelong, underlying problems with anxiety and depression. Actually it was more of a quick decline with intermittent panic attacks rather than a “discovery.” My first panic attack put me in the hospital. And the next panic attack sent me there, too. I needed some answers. The unraveling of my life bore less-than-stellar riches; a treasure trove of bad experiences, toxic relationships, distrust of my own thoughts and emotions, and support systems that were...less than supportive. Let’s not forget to mention the realization of my own toxicity, mistakes, and damaging behavior. As I was just starting to feel the blunt-force of my problems, I met Karen, my now partner, who is a hell of an advocate for prioritizing one’s self and happiness before everything else. I am so thankful for her help in the beginning.

I was an absolute mess when we started dating, but she helped show me how to clean that up a bit on my own. It took me a long time to start entertaining the idea of medication or therapy, but Karen was always there gently nudging me to explore those options. The lengthy process was not so due to embarrassment — that bullshit stigma, thankfully, was stripped away quite a few years prior— but because I was so damn scared to do anything. The tools I needed to take care of myself weren’t there and the very first one I required was the little-known-secret that it’s okay to focus on and take care of yourself FIRST. Jesus Christ, how hard can it be to convince yourself of that? With years-long reluctance, I booked my first therapy appointment.

A lot has happened since then, but the issues remain relatively the same; I just have a few more tools to loosen things up when my chest feels too tight. And if you feel a need for those tools, I’ll lend them to you right now if I can. Or maybe you have been tinkering away at your own issues and can lend some tools to me if you feel I could use them. That’s what gets us through our daily battles; listening, a little bit of empathy, and maybe the occasional doo-wop quartet of friends singing “FUCK THAT RIGHT THERE” to whatever issues might be boiling to the surface again.

That is exactly what my new album, Refraction, is all about: the constant meandering of thoughts and emotions. An emotional dysregulation summed up in 11 tracks. Pain, hatred, love, violence, celebration, loneliness, depression, anxiety and darkness are all in there. This album was written as I experienced the worst and best times of my life. I have a lengthy story, if not three, for every song on this record. This album is complicated, messy, vulnerable, and acts as a hell of a makeshift bridge that can lead you to how I think and feel.

Special thanks to Karen Hoekstra, John Galubensky, Blake Hatherley, Molly Wood, Mark Saint Amour, Nick Anderson, Dakota Puffenberger, Eric Grinwis, Rachel Borashko, Wayne Hacker, Daeja Marzette, Anthony Timlin, Matthew Benkarski, and Jake Bredeson. Without those folks this record, as well as myself, would not exist in the capacity they do today.

Don’t let toxic people tell you how to live your life or what to do. Don’t let folks make you feel inferior for needing help with ANY issues you have. Medication is OKAY. Therapy is OKAY. Taking care of yourself first and halting anything that gets in the way of YOUR happiness and well-being is OKAY. And when you can, spread that to the folks around you. Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to those that ask for help or those who need help but have difficulty asking.

Love,

xRGB (Joe)